I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
