I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
