Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
