my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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