bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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