So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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