My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
