I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
