No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
