i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
