I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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