if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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