Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
