I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
