Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
