have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
