God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
