Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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