I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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