a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
