Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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