sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
