There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
