I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
