I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
