I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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