Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
