Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
