OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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