So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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