whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
