I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
