I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
