I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
