if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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