Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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