my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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