Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
