pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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