When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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