i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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