i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
