I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
