My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
