im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
