Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
