I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
