Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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