So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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