i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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