Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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