last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
