just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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