Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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