Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize