around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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