his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
