I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
