Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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