Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
