One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
