why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
