Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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