You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
