Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
