She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
