I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
