I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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